


The Aftermath

by xerchisha



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Destroyed Reapers (Mass Effect), Earthborn (Mass Effect), F/M, Post-Series, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Renegon (Mass Effect), Sole Survivor (Mass Effect), Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-28
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-27 08:32:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7611019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xerchisha/pseuds/xerchisha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The choice was not fair. But the entire galaxy was looking to her to make it. And now, after the war, after all the lives lost, Shepard needs to learn to carry on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Despite the "canon" for this Shepard being that she does not make any choice and the Reapers kill everything, I wanted to explore a bit with the aftermath of the Reaper War.  
> Mostly working on this because I need something to do.

Everything was a grey fog. There had been an explosion -- had that been the catalyst activating? -- and then nothing. Falling, maybe. She didn't know. Didn't want to know.

The grey fog wasn't cold. It wasn't warm. It was nothing. The nothing felt good.

There was something, muffled. Some sound. Like she was under water, and it was coming from above the waves. She didn't care.

She was drifting. The grey frog was like an ocean. She thought she could feel it moving around her, carrying her like a current. Carrying her to the other shore. Carrying her to those she had loved and lost.

The muffled sound was louder. But she drifted away. The grey fog covered her. Darkened everything.

Darkness. Nothing.

Peace.


	2. Chapter 2

Something cutting through the grey fog. Not muffled, not dulled.

A scream. Who was screaming? Why were they screaming?

The nothing was disrupted. There was heat, there was pain, the grey fog flared blinding white.

And the screaming. The screaming wouldn't stop, a high, broken sound.

"Someone get a sedative, now! We can't have her waking up! It's too soon!"

Did she know that voice? She thought maybe she did. But her ears were filled with screaming. Where was the grey fog? Where was the peaceful nothing?

A pinprick, barely noticeable behind the searing heat of pain that coated her body.

The scream stopped. Slowly, the grey returned, then became black.

It was not the same peace, but at least it was nothing.


	3. Chapter 3

It was no longer grey. It was blue, a gentle blue that made her feel calm and safe. Blue, all around: the gentle blue of the sky over her, and the deep blue of the sea under her.

Someone was there with her. She tried to tip her head back to see him, but she could not move, only drift gently on top of the waves. But she could feel him there, feel his hands gently cupping her face.

"Am I dead?" The words felt weird on her lips, and the voice did not sound like hers, somehow.

"No, siha. You are not dead. But you are not alive."

"I don't want to be alive. I don't want to wake up." She closed her eyes, to stop tears that threatened to overflow.

"You have to. I know it is hard. I know you've had to give up so much." Lips gently pressed to her forehead, and she wanted to cry.

"I'm tired, Thane. Please. I want to rest. I want to be with you. I don't want to have to worry anymore. Please, Thane."

"I'm sorry, siha." He kissed her again. "I wish I could stand by you in this. But you must be strong. And there are still those who will stand with you and help you through this."

"...I love you, Thane."

"I love you too, siha. Now go. Live." His hands rested on her shoulders and she was drifting again, the blue fading to gray, the nothing returning.

The only thing she could feel was tears sliding down her cheeks.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard wakes up.

There was a quiet drone of someone's voice-- someone reading something aloud. It was nice, soothing. The voice was familiar.

Her eyelids fluttered, and slowly, she opened her eyes, blinking in the light streaming through the large window-wall.

"--Shepard? Shepard!"

She tried to turn her head towards the voice, but her whole body felt heavy. It was easier to just sink back into the soft bedding and start to drift off again.

"Oh, thank the goddess-- Doctor! Doctor, Shepard's awake!"

Who was that shouting? She knew them. She knew that she knew them. Who was it?

A face came into view above her, and she blinked slowly up at Liara, who smiled back. "We were getting so worried, Shepard."

"Li...Liara? Where...where am..." Her voice was ragged, hoarse from disuse, and her throat hurt.

"You're in a hospital. I don't remember which one anymore. We've had to move you around so many times." Her smile was sad. "We're on earth, though. You did it, Shepard." She gripped Shepard's hand over the sheet, squeezing it gently.

Shepard tried to reach over with her other hand, to rest it on top of Liara's. When nothing happened, confusion washed over her, and she shifted, trying to look to her side.

Liara placed a hand on her cheek and turned her head back. "Don't, Shepard. You should wait for the doctor."

"Liara...what happened? You said...we're on earth...?"

"They said it was too risky to take you off-planet. We were so scared we lost you again for a while--"

"Liara. What happened. _Why_ am I in the hospital. How _long_ have I been in the hospital." Liara looked startled at the sudden harshness in Shepard's voice, flinching back.

"Shepard...how much do you remember?"

"I remember being in the Citadel. I remember activating the Crucible." She felt a pang in her heart and she gritted her teeth. "The Geth, EDI...I killed them, didn't I? I destroyed the Reapers, but I killed our friends."

Liara didn't respond, only took the Commander's hand again. "Shepard...it's been almost six months. You've been comatose for most of it. As best as we can figure..." She hesitated. "The Crucible collapsed after it activated, and you went with it. You...fell from orbit."

Shepard closed her eyes. "Sure do got a talent for that, don't I. What about-- the Normandy. Is...Is everyone ok?"

"We got a bit bumped around when we were forced to land, but...Everyone's okay. Mostly."

"Mostly."

"Well--" Liara hesitated. Shepard opened her eyes, but the Asari wouldn't meet her gaze.

"It's Joker, isn't it? I know-- god. I know exactly how he probably feels."

"He doesn't blame you, Shepard. You did what you had to. You saved us all."

 "What I had to? What I had to?!" Liara flinched back again, eyes wide. "What I had to do was save the goddamn galaxy and defeat the Reapers, not kill every synthetic lifeform in it! One of our squadmates!"

"Shepard, please, calm down--"

"Calm down?! Calm down?!?!" She tried to push herself up, and let out an outraged growl when she suddenly fell sideways. She turned to look at her side as Liara gasped out, "Shepard, no!"

The sheets where her right arm should have been were bare. She only got a brief glimpse of the bandages swathing her shoulder before she became aware of a scream ripping through the air.

It wasn't until the nurses wrestled her to the bed and injected a sedative into her IV that she realized the scream was hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things might jump around a bit for the next couple of chapters


	5. Chapter 5

_"And now, it brings me great pride to introduce the woman herself-- the great Commander Shepard."_

The crowd erupted into cheers and triumphant screams, and to the side of the stage, Shepard flinched.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Shepard?" Garrus' voice was soft, and he rested his hand on her shoulder only after he was sure she saw him. "You don't have to. They can let Ash speak instead."

"No. I have to, Garrus." Her voice shook, but she did not, standing tall next to the Turian, hand clenched in a fist. "I have to...I have to make them understand. What happened. What we lost."

Liara reached out to take Shepard's hand. "We're here for you, Shepard. And Ash is on stage. If anything happens, we can get you out of here safe."

Shepard closed her eyes. "Thank you both. Just-- stay right here, okay? Stay where I can see you guys."

"Of course. We're your friends, Shepard. We won't leave you." Garrus gently squeezed her shoulder, and took a step back; Liara gave her a gentle smile and released her hand.

Shepard took a deep breath, and stepped out onto the stage.

The cheers were deafening, and Shepard was hit with the urge to run, to get out of there. She did not want to do this. She couldn't handle this. But she had to. She was the only one who could. She forced herself across the stage, one foot in front of the other, head held high until she reached the podium, and finally faced the crowd.

It was mostly humans, but she could see some Turians and Asari -- and there were many, many news drones. The entire galaxy was going to be watching this.

She stood silently as the cheers continued, waiting. Slowly, the noise died down-- and still, she remained silent. She could feel thousands of eyes on her-- and she could feel as they were drawn to the empty air at her right side. She watched as some closer to the stage shifted awkwardly, murmuring quietly to their neighbors.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

"Thank you, Admiral Hackett. And thank you, everyone watching, for taking your time to listen. I am honored by your respect." She opened her eyes. "Many of you will remember that the first time we heard the term 'Reapers' was three years ago, when Sovereign attacked the Citadel. It was written off as the rogue Spectre Saren and the Geth. There was no such thing as the Reapers." She stared out over the crowd, gripping the podium with her remaining hand. "The first time those not directly involved in the hunt for Saren began to believe in the Reapers was after my team and I neutralized the Collectors, who had been abducting humans to begin the process of creating a new form of Reaper. But still, nothing was done."

More awkward shifting in the crowd, and she thought she heard faint murmuring behind her.

She smacked the podium. "And yet, even with the odds against us. Even with everything set up for failure. Here we stand, alive and well, rebuilding, with the Reapers destroyed forever."

The crowd began stamping their feet and cheering. Some who had hats threw them into the air, and some stole hats from their neighbors to throw. Shepard raised her hand, and the ruckus died in a matter of seconds.

"A friend of mine once said that Turians are taught from a young age that if there's even one survivor left standing, then the war was worth it. That certainly is true here. But that does not mean we should forget those who gave their lives so we could live on." She closed her eyes, gripping the edge of the podium tightly. "I have lost many friends in the course of this war, and I would like to take this chance to honor them." She nodded to the side of the stage, where someone was managing the tech. Screens on either side lit up, projecting images she had provided ahead of time.

"The first of my crew that I lost was Corporal Richard L. Jenkins. He had been born on Eden Prime. Some would say it was fitting that it was where he spent his last moments." The image changed. "Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko gave his life on Virmire, putting a stop to Saren's plans to create an unstoppable cloned Krogan army." She turned her head slightly, and saw Ashley saluting the projected image. That had been one of the harder choices in this war: who to leave behind. In the end, unwillingness to sacrifice Kirahhe and his men made the choice for her.

The image changed again-- a picture of the original crew of the Normandy. Shepard looked away. "The Normandy SR1 was attacked by Collectors near the planet Alechra. Twenty crew members, including Navigator Charles Pressly, went down with it." She did not mention her own descent to the planet's surface.

"Many of you may not consider this to have been a part of the war against the Reapers. But you cannot deny those sacrifices anymore than you can deny these." The image changed again. "Doctor Mordin Solus of the Salarian STG. He died curing the Krogan genophage, which he described as his greatest work yet." She closed her eyes as the image changed, not wanting to look. "...Thane Krios. Thane was mortally wounded defending the Salarian ambassador from Cerberus assassin Kai Leng." Her heart felt heavy, and tears threatened to choke her words. "A Geth known as Legion sacrificed their individual consciousness to free the Geth from control of the Reapers." Her grip on the podium tightened, and she bowed her head. Behind her, Ashley took a few steps forward, ready to intervene.

"Because...because of these loses, and many more, we are able to stand here and celebrate. But even so..." Shepard lifted her head, staring over the crowd, fighting tears. "Destroying the Reapers came at a price. To destroy them, all synthetic life had to be destroyed. The Geth, and one of my own squadmates, an AI known as EDI. Adding those to the countless organic lives lost..." She sighed, bowing her head again. "This war has cost us. So it's our duty to do our best to recover from this, to carry on. To live our lives to honor all those we've lost."

She felt a hand on her back and became aware of the fact she was shaking. Ash's voice was soft. "Come on, Shepard. Let's get you somewhere you can rest."

The crowd was silent as she let her friend lead her off the stage, away from the bright lights and staring eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

She'd had nightmares long before Reapers were even a blip on the Normandy's radar system. At this point, she was used to waking up in the middle of the night, a scream frozen on her lips. But that didn't make it any easier.

At first, all her nightmares were of the thresher maws on Akuze, of the screams of her squad as they were pulled into the ground, or burnt by acid, or devoured alive. She still had those nightmares sometimes. In the least terrifying ones, she got eaten too.

Then, after Eden Prime, she started dreaming about Husks, about the Geth taking people and placing them on those horrific spikes. Sometimes it was people she knew. And the horrific images from the beacon, without the ability to properly comprehend -- she remembered the first time she woke up screaming on the Normandy, how no one knew what to do, how it wasn't until Liara came along and started trying to help her understand that she could even imagine a good night's sleep.

Then the Collectors, then the Reaper war-- it never stopped. Even with the threat gone, she still had nightmares about her friends being captured, turned into horrific monsters -- or devoured by Cannibals -- or killed by Cerberus -- or, or...

There were dreams where the Crucible didn't activate. Where she stood on that high platform and watched as the Reapers destroyed the fleet she had gathered, killed all the soldiers she had recruited. And then, when all of that was gone, when Earth was picked clean and smoldering in ash...then they turned on the Crucible, and her.

But maybe the worst dream was the one about the Cerberus attack on the Citadel. The one where when Thane said he was coming, she said what she hadn't been able to say in life: don't come. Hide yourself. Stay safe, stay safe for me. Please, stay safe.

In the dream he listens -- though she's almost certain that, in reality, he still would've come. But after, when she goes to find him-- she wakes up. She wakes up, and she finds herself alone, and she can't stop the tears that want to fall.

She had lived most of her life with nightmares. It was the happy dreams, the good ones, that she couldn't handle.


	7. Chapter 7

She woke up to find breakfast ready and Garrus eating. After consulting the note from Liara about which foods had been made for Garrus and which were human-safe, she put together a plate of pancakes and bacon, and sat at the table.

"Well, Shepard, if reports are to be believed, you'll be able to move back into your apartment on the Citadel in just a few months." Garrus slid the tablet across the table and picked up his cup, watching to see Shepard's reaction.

She didn't look up from her breakfast, twirling her fork between her mechanical fingers. "I see..."

"Well, if you want to move back, that is. You can live anywhere in the galaxy, really."

She still didn't look up. "...Anderson would've wanted me to."

"Anderson would've wanted you to do whatever you wanted, Shepard." He sighed and took the tablet back, resuming checking the news. "You said you're retiring to get away from it all. None of us can decide what that means other than you."

A wry grin crossed her face, and she looked up long enough to make sure the mug she was grabbing wasn't labelled 'Turian'. "Sure, but you and Liara still seem to be doing the best to be my new surrogate parents."

He set the tablet down on with one hand on top of it, fixing her with a serious but gentle look. "We'll leave the minute you don't want us here, Shepard. We're your friends. We're worried about you. Hell, if you'd check your messages-- _everyone's_ worried about you. Jack, Doctor Chakwas, Tali, Joker...Grunt and Wrex tried to break into the hospital while you were comatose." He grimaced, and almost missed the faint, brief grin that crossed Shepard's face. "You can't just hide away from everyone forever, Shepard."

She ignored him. "Aren't you active Turian military? Liara can be the Shadow Broker from anywhere, but unless you've got a very flexible desk job..."

This wasn't the first time she'd tried avoiding the subject of her self-isolation, and Garrus only sighed. "Well, I'm thinking about taking a page from your book. Retiring while I'm still mostly intact."

"Come on, you've still got like, another two, four years before you reach my old person status." Her mouth quirked up in another grin that vanished before he could smile back. "You could rebuild Palaven, find a nice girl. Raise some children. Maybe become primarch."

"The only nice girl I have eyes for once told me she isn't interested in children." He leaned his elbows on the table, folding his hands. "And you and I both know I'd never make it as primarch."

"So you'll be able to make it being my babysitter?"

"Well, there aren't any real rules aside from 'keep Shepard safe', so..." His eyes softened as she frowned at him. "Come on, Shepard, you know I don't mean you can't take care of yourself."

"No. It's exactly what you mean. And I know it's true." She closed her eyes. "The first night back on the Normandy-- I nearly shot up my fishtank. I thought...I woke up, and I saw a Collector. It wasn't the first time either."

"You never told me about this. Did you tell Liara?"

"No. I didn't want to worry anyone." She avoided looking at him. "They took me off duty for months after Akuze. This-- everyone was looking to me to make this work. If I-- if they--" She put her head in her hands, flinching briefly from the still unfamiliar metal of her prosthetic. "I was the only one who could do this. If they took me off duty-- hell, where would they even have put me?" She shook her head. "They'd probably just have shoved me right back on duty. I survived Akuze, surely I should survive this."

"Shepard. You should've told us. We could've helped."

"It didn't do any harm. We saved the galaxy."

" _Shepard._ " He sounded angry, and she blinked at him, startled. "You can't live like that-- like this. You're going to destroy yourself, if you keep putting everything else first."

She didn't respond at first, and Garrus felt a twinge of guilt -- but she was standing before he could say anything more.

"I'm going to go take a walk. I'll be back in an hour."

"Wait, Shepard, please--"

She was gone.


End file.
